The Ernestina Vargas Remedy

Sometime around the halfway point of our time in Higley several moms in our neighborhood had a major breakthrough and came to a consensus on a major scientific formula.  This formula helped to explain why housework in Higley was significantly more stressful and time consuming than in neighboring communities.  Everyone on Fairview lane knew that things took longer to clean and became dirty again more quickly than in some of the more suburban neighborhoods.  The equation is as follow:

([(n)(w)( a )] + [(n)(w)(d)] + c ) x (h)(t) = total stress level measured in mg/cm3 

Where n = number of kids in the family; w = average willingness of the kids to help out where the rating 0 = always willing and 10 = never willing; a = the gross weight of all farm animals owned; d = distance from front of the house to the dirt road; c = the average number of hours required for the parents' church callings; h = area of the house in square feet; and t = the gross weight in pounds of toys and books owned.

Our house had an average rating of 64.5 billion (0r 142 kg/cm3 of internal pressure).  That was bad.  The Payne's rating fluctuated around 68 to 73 billion.  Clearly the moms were stressed and ready to explode at any minute .

The moms began looking into a solution.  Changing the 'n' was a difficult proposition.  Most of the times the 'n's kept coming back.  And sending an 'n' to a neighbors house only magnified the results of their equation.

Changing the 'w' was a time intensive proposition and didn't yield results quickly enough.  However, an interesting theory on getting the 'w' to absolute zero was much talked about.  If only the children could be absolutely willing to help out, the stress would disappear entirely.  Theoretically.

Getting rid of any 'a' was one of the most popular ideas as many of the moms never saw a net benefit of the objects represented by the 'a'.  Most were willing to buy their own milk, eggs, etc. at market prices to drop the 'a' by a few hundred or thousand pounds.  However, the 'a' proved harder to reduce than originally thought.  The 'a' was a key factor in other formulas that were crucial in balancing other formulas such as the "Then why are we living on 2 1/2 acres?" formula and the "That IS our year's supply!" formula.  Though the discussions often returned to reducing the overall 'a', not many were successful in rebalancing the other formulas making use of 'a', and so most attempts were abandoned.

Though 'd' was more like a constant in most homes, many moms were intensely satisfied when the 'd' factor was mostly eliminated due to the paving of the road in mid 1996. 

Any efforts to reduce the 'c' were abandoned after several inspirational talks and testimonies given at church. 

The 'h' was viewed as a constant, and 't' often fluctuated with the success of neighborhood yardsales and birthdays and Christmases.  

The mothers of Fairview lane had given up almost all hope of decreasing the overall stress until one of them discovered a new agent name Ernestina Vargas.  Ernestina could be introduced into the home once a week and effectively replaced the (c)(w) interaction and replaced it with just a (w) at a rating of  0.15!  Eureka!  Ernestina was brought into many homes on a weekly basis.  She was a miracle cure!  Ernestina could decrease stress levels by by 95% in within 8 hours of introducing her into the home.  Ernestina quickly became a highly sought after agent and an informal schedule for the introduction of Ernestina into the homes was arranged.  

Many homes enjoyed a decrease in the overall stress level of the mothers which had unintended benefits.  The frequency of "But my room is already clean!" and the attendant "Sure, you can go play" interchanges increased.  Some mothers even found they could increase their 'c' without noticable effects.  

After a couple of weeks after introducing the Ernestina agent, several households noticed a startling phenomena.  A new condition informally call the "Have you seen my _____?" began to occur with alarming frequency.  This often decreased the households average punctuality factor as measured in minutes late to school and the relative comfort of the pew/chairs the family sat on for Sunday meetings.  A study of the interplay between the Ernestina agent and the related phenomena was undertaken and several months later several households reduced the frequency of their use of the Ernestina Agent.  Stress levels increased, but were maintained at manageable levels.  Additionally, the "Have you seen my _____?" occurrences decreased leading many to believe that there was a direct correlation between the two events.  

In the end, many households enjoyed an overall decrease in stress as the number of 'c' and 't' naturally decreased and the 'a' was eventually lessened.  The 'w' even improved (got lower) over time and many households were able to discontinue the use of Ernestina altogether.  Though no formal studies have been undertaken, no lasting side effects from using the Ernestina agent have been reported.